A Lost Soul

TenThe view from my windshield is beautiful, even in the winter time where the trees remain bare and the grass doesn’t grow. Life is still beautiful, without flip-flops and sandy beaches but it’s just so hard to take in.

Living has always been hard for me. This is just another day where my breathing feels faint; because each heart beat is painful. It’s suffocating and agonizing, like a scab being torn off a wound over and over again, bleeding, dripping, and splattering as it reaches its destination.

The world is not kind, people judge instead of accept. They lie instead of being truthful. They act out of rage instead of love, they blame instead of taking responsibility, they hold a grudge verses giving forgiveness and they disregard and disrespect one another; staying focused only on themselves, fine tuned, letting the world lead them, all the way down to the slang spoken from their lips and the shame carried in their hearts.

Hurtful words spread like poison, leaving scars upon our souls. Kindness is rare and hatred is common, not just to others but also to oneself. Cutting, Tattoos and piercing, drinking binges and drugs all in excess, escaping reality, often times with violence that follows from clouded minds and tortured spirits. This is where the innocent suffer.

Whispers to our children are like daggers to their hearts, tearing at their spirits, ripping at their souls, slowly cracking their foundation, leaving behind the rubble of where I am today.

I know I am important to someone but to whom? I am overwhelmed.

For some reason, my friend Stephanie comes to mind. She says that before a woman starts dating she should make a list of the top ten qualities that she wants in the man. This is not just any man, this is the man that she will marry and spend the rest of her life with. This sounds like a good idea but since I am not looking to date or get involved, it doesn’t apply to me.

I find myself with greater things to focus on. I am not even sure where to start but I know that there are greater things within this world. There is more to it than rape, hatred, betrayal and disrespect. I was not born for this. God did not sit in one miraculous moment, with a plan of excellence and create me for just this. He did not create me to rest in the rubble. It’s not possible – there is no rest in rubble – only darkness and death. He could have only created me to stand above it. I just need to figure out how to dig my way out.

I am not sure where to start. Perhaps it is within my own self. Perhaps I need to dig deeper to find the diamond. I know it’s there. Perhaps what Stephanie said does apply to me but not in reference to a man but in reference to my own life. The top ten list of qualities within my own self. A top ten of the areas in which I want to grow in life or improve in life, meld me into the person I was or am intended to be. 

This makes me smile. Like a hug from Jesus himself. The sun just broke through the clouds.

Read more about Healing on Kerri Chronicles:

  1. The Aftermath of Rape – Healing Your Mind
  2. Rape Trauma Syndrome – the Journey to Healing Belongs to Everyone

© Kerri Bishop Reece | Kerri Chronicles

6 thoughts on “A Lost Soul

  1. Kerri, that you have survived at all is nothing short of a miracle. That you can function, just get from day to day, after all the evil to which you were subjected is amazing. The grief and pain, the scars of abuse, are not rubble, not evidence of some deficiency on your part. They are the natural reaction to all you had to endure. Sometimes God leaves the scars, so that He may be glorified through them. His beauty shines from you, Kerri. Anyone who has ever visited this blog has been blessed. May God’s love surround you always. You are in my prayers.

    1. I love wise individuals like yourself, Anna. I agree with every word you say here. I don’t know how to explain how I feel after reading your comment. There truly is not a day that goes by that I am not reminded of my blessings in life. Volunteer work has me reflecting on this daily. I don’t have all the answers for me and I know I never will but what I do know is that God is the reason that I am sane and sensible today. There truly is no other explanation. The uncanny sense of discernment that I‘ve had my entire life is proof of that. That’s not inherited, it’s not learned, and it’s not given like advice. It’s placed upon one’s soul, like a spoke in a wheel – always, turning, and always leading to a positive source.

      What’s amazing is where this wheel in life has taken me and those that have joined me and have become my family along the way. It’s overwhelming to think about, really. I don’t know what it all means, perhaps someday I will but until then I will go with where God leads me.

      Thank you for your prayers and support, Anna, and thank you for being a part of my family.

  2. You are right that people will hurt you and let you down. You are right that life is hard and unfair. You are right that you should make a list for yourself. But there is sunshine in life, sometimes you have to squint to find it. There are jewels of people on the way, sometimes you have to dig. And you should make a list of qualities that you want in your friends, whether they be guy or girls so you can look out for the cream of the crop. Hope you are feeling better. Meghan

  3. Kerri, Thank you so much for sharing such a sacred writing. I call it sacred because it is so personal and so much of your heart is revealed in this excerpt from your journal. I’m so glad that you recognized the need to find the diamond! You are an amazing young lady who has risen far above the rubble and is living out God’s holy purpose for your life. God bless you!!!

Why hello, friend! Thanks for sharing your comments. Should you have a question, please feel free to ask it here and I'll do my best to reply promptly. Thanks for stopping by! xo Kerri