The view from my windshield is beautiful, even in the winter time where the trees remain bare and the grass doesn’t grow. Life is still beautiful, without flip-flops and sandy beaches but it’s just so hard to take in.
Living has always been hard for me. This is just another day where my breathing feels faint; because each heart beat is painful. It’s suffocating and agonizing, like a scab being torn off a wound over and over again, bleeding, dripping, and splattering as it reaches its destination.
The world is not kind, people judge instead of accept. They lie instead of being truthful. They act out of rage instead of love, they blame instead of taking responsibility, they hold a grudge verses giving forgiveness and they disregard and disrespect one another; staying focused only on themselves, fine tuned, letting the world lead them, all the way down to the slang spoken from their lips and the shame carried in their hearts.
Hurtful words spread like poison, leaving scars upon our souls. Kindness is rare and hatred is common, not just to others but also to oneself. Cutting, Tattoos and piercing, drinking binges and drugs all in excess, escaping reality, often times with violence that follows from clouded minds and tortured spirits. This is where the innocent suffer.
Whispers to our children are like daggers to their hearts, tearing at their spirits, ripping at their souls, slowly cracking their foundation, leaving behind the rubble of where I am today.
I know I am important to someone but to whom? I am overwhelmed.
For some reason, my friend Stephanie comes to mind. She says that before a woman starts dating she should make a list of the top ten qualities that she wants in the man. This is not just any man, this is the man that she will marry and spend the rest of her life with. This sounds like a good idea but since I am not looking to date or get involved, it doesn’t apply to me.
I find myself with greater things to focus on. I am not even sure where to start but I know that there are greater things within this world. There is more to it than rape, hatred, betrayal and disrespect. I was not born for this. God did not sit in one miraculous moment, with a plan of excellence and create me for just this. He did not create me to rest in the rubble. It’s not possible – there is no rest in rubble – only darkness and death. He could have only created me to stand above it. I just need to figure out how to dig my way out.
I am not sure where to start. Perhaps it is within my own self. Perhaps I need to dig deeper to find the diamond. I know it’s there. Perhaps what Stephanie said does apply to me but not in reference to a man but in reference to my own life. The top ten list of qualities within my own self. A top ten of the areas in which I want to grow in life or improve in life, meld me into the person I was or am intended to be.
This makes me smile. Like a hug from Jesus himself. The sun just broke through the clouds.
Read more about Healing on Kerri Chronicles:
- The Aftermath of Rape – Healing Your Mind
- Rape Trauma Syndrome – the Journey to Healing Belongs to Everyone
© Kerri Bishop Reece | Kerri Chronicles