Warning: The following story may be disturbing to some readers. Reader discretion is advised.
It all started for me in the mid 80’s at a young age. It was all innocent enough. My neighborhood friend found his dad’s stash of Playboys and he showed them to me.
Like all addictions it started small and snowballed out of control. It started with Playboy, but when that wasn’t enough, I started looking at Penthouse, when that wasn’t enough I went to harder and harder material. When the internet came around it was over, I could look at whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
Viewing porn started to affect my “real life”. I had many partners and starting acting out some things I was seeing. I didn’t care who the person was as long as I was getting what I wanted. I felt lonelier and lonelier with each partner. I no longer knew who I was.
Then I really hit the bottom. One drunken night at the bar, I had unprotected sex with a girl I met there. I ended up getting Chlamydia. That really scared me. What if it would have been AIDS? I called my friends who are born again Christians. I asked if their offer to take me to church was still open. I started to go to church with them and even answered an alter call. I didn’t feel any different and started right back down the road of sex and porn.
A few months later, while I was on the internet surfing through some really hardcore porn, a voice said to me “This isn’t how you are going to find a wife and it isn’t how you are going to be a good dad someday”. I later found out this voice was the Holy Spirit talking to me. The Holy Spirit knew I had always dreamed of being married and having children. I had all but given up on that dream. However, I actually listened to that voice this time. I clicked off the internet that night.
A few days after that I went on a train ride with my friends. After the ride we stopped to eat. As we were eating, I started to tell them about my addiction. How I couldn’t get porn out of my life. My friend said to me “All you have to do is admit your sins to Jesus and accept him as your savior.” I looked at her and said “I think I just did”. From that moment I was forgiven for my sins!
If you think that is the end of my story, you are very mistaken! My story was just beginning! I started to go back to church. This time it was different, I wanted to change! Everything started in small steps, the first was throwing out all the porn magazines and DVD’s. Next, I threw out all the extra “stuff” I collected from my former partners. The next thing was I stopped drinking. When I got drunk I would do things I wouldn’t do otherwise. One of the hardest things to give up was using my phone to “sext”. I kept that one girl in my phone so I’d still be able to flirt. I was finally convicted of it and told her I could no longer do that. I also realized I couldn’t use the internet late at night when no one else was around and I deleted my MySpace page because it was too easy to find porn. I was starting to finally be content with being alone.
That’s when God put a special woman in my life. We met at membership classes for the church. I was afraid to be in a relationship because of all the things I had done in the past. I told my future wife everything within three weeks of knowing her. Telling her if she wanted out, that would be the time. She didn’t leave. We were married in December of 2008. In January we were given the news that my wife was pregnant and in September my little boy was born! I adopted her daughter as well! The things I always dreamed about!
During that time I still continued to grow. I had a meeting with one of the pastors and he helped me break the soul bonds I had created with all my past partners. I also threw out anything in my house that reminded me of old girlfriends, even if they weren’t sexually related. Later I started to use Covenant Eyes on my computer with my wife and an accountability partner getting the reports in their e-mail. The next step was finding a group of guys who get together once a week for face to face accountability.
Another thing I have been working on is masturbation. I struggled with that when I first came to the Lord. I was taught that with God’s grace it can be defeated! I am also working on getting rid of lustful thoughts and changing my thought process. It took years for me to get to the point I was at and it took time to change that.
The porn problem hasn’t been much of a problem lately but I will continue to take steps to make sure it doesn’t come back into my life! The most important things it took for me to come as far as I have:
1. I admitted I had a problem
2. I asked God to help me through the work Jesus Christ did on the cross
3. Taking small steps
4. Transforming my thoughts
5. ACCOUNTABILITY! Both on the computer and face to face.
6. A continuous will to want to get better
7. I found a good church to help me
I have come a long, long way since I gave my life to Jesus in October of 2007 and with the help of Jesus Christ I will continue on my walk!