There are so many things I want to tell you, so many things I need for you to know.
I see your little hands and I want to hold them. Your beautiful face once beaming with life, I gently want to kiss.
I want to hug you, dry up your tears and unravel your pain.
I so badly want to see your smile, that beautiful smile that hides beneath your mask. The one that leaps from your heart and burst out your eyes, spreading an infectious love, in its own contagious way.
I want to see that smile, the one abducted from your lips at the gentle age of two.
Its a reflection I have, only in pictures but want so badly to see on your face again.
I die a little every day thinking of your broken heart – your struggles – the way you cry out in the world.
I love you, with every part of my being. I love all of you, and I want to hold you, coddle you and ease your suffering but most importantly, I want to give you back what you want the most – your innocence.
I will find my calling in life, I will conquer my world and even make a small difference in the lives of others but your innocence is the one thing that I will never be able to rescue and for that I will die a thousand torturous deaths, before finally taking the agony we’ve suffered to my grave.
I want to look in your eyes and speak to your heart, as you lay there – a tiny toddler – contemplating her own fate.
I so badly want to rescue you as you crawl into a place you never knew existed inside of yourself, building walls along the way, taking with you the tears you’re choking on, and the suffocating pain you repeatedly find too much to bear.
I hear the oceans of tears, you so silently cry, I see the shame brutally shredding at your soul.
You remain silent, captive, paralyzed by fear, haunted daily by the memories. Memories I urn to wash away.
I cry each time your mother fails you, her words of condemnation, echoing in my ears – blaming you, shaming you, disregarding your pain.
What’s left of your spirit, poisoned with her every word, entombing the truth, forever shifting your existence; changing the way you will forever walk in the world.
Kerri, my beautiful child, what you need to know is that LOVE AND LIFE ARE NOT MEASURED BY ANY OF THESE MOMENTS. They are not treasures like your heart and they are most certainly not meant to be kept.
Pray. Continue to pray, it always helps. PRAY OUT LOUD, pray deeply. I can assure you that your prayers will be answered.
That big voice that you have > IT’S YOUR GIFT and it’s truly safe to use! Don’t let the shameful words or actions of others silence you.
Those secrets your keeping, the one’s you’re so painfully lugging around, they are not your own! It’s okay to tell them. SAY THEM OUT LOUD, so they will leave your body. Tell them, so they will no longer burden you. Give them back to their rightful owner; speak them out in their name. Remember sweet girl, you didn’t ask for their secrets, you said “NO” to carrying their shame, you didn’t want them in the first place so GIVE THEM BACK!
Open the giant spirit cowering deep inside of your being, and give it a voice. SCREAM OUT LOUD. Tell everyone who is listening. SCREAM even if they’re not listening and don’t you worry, not one bit, about how they react. You, my precious girl, don’t have to feel other people’s feelings for them.
SHOUT at the top of your lungs. SHOUT loud – SHOUT to be heard; and DONT’ STOP SHOUTING!
You know longer have to make yourself smaller than you are just so that other people can feel big – can feel safe themselves. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT!
All of the pain you are holding in your body – the fear, the shame, the guilt – it all belongs to someone else, something else. Remember you refused them from the beginning so they truly aren’t yours.
Set them free. Set them all free. Set yourself free. GIVE THEM BACK. You will be highly respected for it. You will be honored. You are loved – you will be loved by many more. You can take care of you. You will help take care of others.
SCREAM them out day and night, SING them, at the top of your lungs, if you must, but don’t get stuck in yesterday, Kerri, for today and tomorrow are where your blessings reside. DANCE around in them, like an overgrown field of wild grass.
Let the truth give you POWER as you speak it out in words. DANCE proudly, feel it in the earth, don’t be afraid to fall as it rises through your spirit. EMBRACE it as it rest in your soul. STAND UP, Kerri, STAND TALL, and be that beautiful butterfly DANCING around in the wind.
Be the beautiful person that you truly are. SHINE amongst the stars in the sky. A day will come when you’ll hear the words of many say, “Your smile is like sunshine on a rainy day”. LOVE the rain, Kerri, LOVE the beauty in the rain.
Know that YOU ARE BRAVE. Know that YOU ARE STRONG, YOU WILL SURVIVE; YOU HAVE CONFIDENCE. You will love deeper than you will truly ever understand.
The people in your life that are doing these things to you, that are mistreating you,raping you, hurting your heart – they are sick, heinous, vile, repulsive individuals. Your mother covering it up < the worst.
Know it’s not you that’s done the wrong. It’s them and you’ll come to learn that they know not what they do. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness and wrap it up with a big bright bow, make it fun to open.YOU HAVE THE KEY TO YOUR HAPPINESS, unlock it, let it out!
TRUST WHAT YOU KNOW is good and TRUST WHAT YOU KNOW is wrong. DON’T DOUBT YOURSELF. And feel free to SHOUT about both of them, too. SHOUT them out in love, SHOUT them out often, SHOUT anytime you want, just SHOUT.
KEEP SEEKING- keep searching for higher ground.
Your heart, as fragile as it is, has an insight all its own. LET IT GUIDE YOU. It will always be more profound than your understanding, truly your most powerful emotion, rooted deep in wisdom from far beyond your years. This is also a gift.
KNOW THAT GOD IS ALWAYS AROUND YOU. By grace He will one day bring you to your knees. He is forever truth so boldly stand by Him.
Practice integrity, Kerri, no matter the price, NEVER BE AFRAID OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE HONEST, GOOD AND RIGHT. Never be afraid to stand out.
They’ll hear your words, they’ll call you wicked and they’ll deny what they’ve done while spewing more lies, amongst the many, but HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE, you’re not just fighting a fight, Kerri, YOU’RE WINNING A WAR so BE PROUD of your truthful wickedness, the chaos they say you bring. For it is better to die in ugly truth, than live chained to their secrets. Again I will say SPEAK them out, SPEAK them loud, GIVE THEM THEIR SECRETS BACK!
Leave the pain on the ground and walk away, do it as soon as possible, don’t wait. BE THE CHAMPION THAT YOU WERE CREATED TO BE, because love, Kerri, it’s the breath between you and God. Breathe deep and exhale even deeper. Cast it in the wind, like a kite you fly high and then turn loose. It’s not your pain to harbor, Kerri. It’s truly not your pain. Let it go along with your baggage full of fears.
What counts the most, Kerri, is the day you die. It’s who you are then and what rest in your heart. It’s your salvation, Kerri, the power of what truly lets your wings unfold. BECOME that gorgeous butterfly dancing in the wind.
There is no one else in this world with a voice like yours. There is no one else who can tell your story.
YOU WERE BORN TO DO THIS, Kerri, and you’re equipped with everything that you need.
Sleep well. Float in your dreams, shake loose on a cloud. BREATHE IN LIFE and all the beauty it has to offer.
SET YOURSELF FREE. I will say again > You have the key to your happiness, unlock it, Kerri, let it out!
I LOVE YOU immensely to the core of my being and back. MUAH!
Signed With Great Respect,
Your Future Self
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