My Brother, the Rapist with Two Faces

www.kerrichronicles.com

Warning: The following story may be disturbing to some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

Cg,

I have no idea how to get this out of me other than to write.  There is  so much inside of me that is going to come out.  I will not let it  fester inside of me any longer.  I don’t even know where to start because there is so much.  So here it goes.

Since this abuse has come out, I have been protecting you.  I have no idea  why I have been protecting you with the s#$! you have done to me, but I  have.  Actually I know why I did it, but I’ll get to that later. I have  always said that if it wasn’t for Sg, you would have not raped me.   Yes, you raped me.  You shoved your d#$! inside of me whether you claim  you don’t remember or not.  I clearly remember it.  I also remember  telling you that it hurt and all you did was spit on yourself and shove  it back in.  Some big brother.  There are other things that I remember  also.  You want to know what they are?  Even if you don’t, I’m telling  you. 

Lets take a trip down memory lane to Park Ave.  You remember that  house?  You know, the house where you abused me and I threw fits in the  middle of the night because I didn’t want to sleep alone…yeah, I said  abuse in that house.  Lets see…remember the porn channels that we got  from the black box Daddy got?  You were so interested in it and so sick  in the head that you made me watch it with you.  Also, you had me  masturbate in front of you because you wanted to get off.  How  f*%#ing sick is that?  Wanting your little sister to masturbate because you were a horny teenager.

Then remember when I was in the shower?  You would  come in to look and once and awhile you would touch.  Once you filled a  squirt gun and forced me to bend over and you squirted it up my a#$.   What the f*#! was up with that?  If you think about it, you abused me more than Sg.  I focused all my hate and anger for the both of you on  Sg because you are my biological brother.  That isn’t fair to Sg.   Yes, he raped me.  Oh, back up for a minute.  Do you remember forcing me to give you head and play with you and Sg?  I remember once gagging  on you and all you did was push my head closer to you shoving it even  deeper.  It was so f*#!ing gross.  I also remember in detail one time  you wanted me to “play” with you.  You laid down with your pants off,  made me sit on your legs and play with you.  I remember pretending to be on a beach playing with a bat and beach balls.  We also played “doctor”.

None of this is make-believe or lies.  All of this has happened.  Why would I make any of this up?  I repressed all of these for many years.  Even  when Ab molested me, it wanted to come up but I forced it back  down.  It wasn’t until one of the times my husband  and I were having sex and I freaked out, that I could remember being abused.  You claim you don’t  remember raping me.  I’m sorry  but that’s bulls#!@.  You were not the  victim, I was.  Sg denies it but that is a different story.   I’m not  confused about him.  I’m confused about you.  I feel like there are two  Cg’s.  The Cg who abused me horribly, and then the Cg who was my big brother that I was close to.  We were really close at one point.   Until the abuse came out, we were close.  I love that Cg.  It  seriously feels like you are the abusive Cg again.  I’ve started to think that that Cg doesn’t exist at all.  It’s sad…you are my  biological brother.  What the f^#!…how could you have done this?   People know what you have done to me.  I am not going to keep quiet  anymore.  It is my story, my experience to share.  I will let it out and I will heal.  I am a survivor who will thrive!!!

Your healing/broken sister

– Cayleigh Lightstone

9 thoughts on “My Brother, the Rapist with Two Faces

  1. You are a woman of enormous faith and courage. I don’t know how you retained your sanity, but for the grace of God. Let the poison out. It has no more power over you. Your brothers will have to work out their own redemption.

  2. I sincerely pray that God heals your brokenness and restore you like only He can. Of a certainty, God is will you and for you because you have survived what many have not. Peace and blessings to you always!

  3. He was far from being a victim…if there was another victim other than me, it would have been my step brother. I truly believe that my bio bro (CG) somehow convinced my step brother (SG) into doing it. My husband has been very understanding and patient through this whole thing for the most part. We do have some issues but we are working through them.

  4. Kerri, here’s a question that came to mind as I was reading your testimony: do you heal in order to forgive, or do you forgive in order to heal? Maybe that’s a question each of us has to answer.
    You know how much I admire you and your courageous journey out of abuse and into a path towards healing and victory as a survivor. I agree with “obtgog”, it will be your personal relationship with Christ that ultimately brings you healing and the joy and peace that comes from an intimate relationship with Jesus. I’m so grateful for you and your courageous transparency. You know I love you and I am always right here for you as you have been for me. May God richly bless you and bless your marriage and family as you and Jesus travel together towards healing. Say hello to Don for me.

  5. Having been a counselor for abused women (yes, I am a guy, go figure) my experience says coming to conscious clarity leads to healing and personal victory. Whatever the individual process the journey from victim to survivor to thriver overcomes the power of memories to hold you back. The life metaphor transforms from abused to loved and beloved, by God and friends. It happens, and what a glorious celebration it is!
    Peace

  6. One more thought Cayleigh. You are far from broken. Broken never ever would have stepped forward for all the World and God to see and told the story you just told. If you are broken, more of us need to be broken like you.

  7. Hey Cayleigh,
    First of all a huge hug, tons of prayers and more respect for your strength than can be measured.
    Second, let it rip. You have every right and you acually have to let it out as you well know to move forward with your healing.
    Third, may God’s love, patience, peace and understanding cover and protect your marriage.
    As for stubaby777’s comment on your brother being a victim, I’m not so sure about that. What he did can be done with no past history of abuse. If he is talking about porn addiction, that’s another issue, self inflicted, no sympathy here. As to whether you forgive him or not, I know personaly how much that desicion can be like a burning knif in you gut being twisted. Look to your faith. The answer is spelled out for us. It may take time to get there. Just remember. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting nor does it mean we have to let that person back into our life or even near us.
    Love…

  8. WOW! There is so much in this story. Man, I hurt for her, her husband and her brother. I pray the husband will have loving patience and understanding while healing takes place. I pray that she can forgive her brother and overtime realize that yes, he was a victim as well.

    1. Knowing how much pornography truly dements and damages a persons mind, like you, Stuart, I have to wonder if he was exposed to pornography long before he started raping. Only he truly knows and it is only he that will have to take his actions up with God.

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