Overcoming My Struggle with Pornography

Warning: The following story may be disturbing to some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

My exposure to pornography began in 4th grade. We just moved into a new house in a nice subdivision of our tiny Iowa hometown. I first noticed magazines with pictures of naked girls in our bathroom. We had a magazine racks with National Geographic, Popular Mechanics, American Legion, and girly magazines.

I soon discovered more girly magazines in our closets, desk drawers and in dad’s shelves and workbench drawers in the basement. He also kept a stash in the bathroom and basement of his shop downtown. I spent a lot of time in the bathroom and in the basement of dad’s store. I was looking at his magazines with apparent immunity from prosecution. Every so often he’s poke his head down the stairs and ask me what I was doing. My standard reply was always, “Nothing.” Dad was okay with that. He had to know I was ogling his dirty magazines. I could never figure out why mom allowed him to have those magazines in the house.

All during high school and into college I feasted on a diet of girly magazines whenever the opportunity presented itself. For me, at that time, it wasn’t so much getting turned on by looking at pictures of naked women. The thrill for me was getting away with it. Doing something I knew was wrong and not getting caught.

I was unaware that, though my thrills came from sneaking around, my little games were taking root in behavior that would later plunge me into sinful habits and ruin relationships and families.

I was out for me. I thought a wife’s role in a marriage was to do everything I imagined all those girls in girly magazines surely did for the men in their lives. When my wife couldn’t or wouldn’t, I withdrew into my porn, chased other women, or divorced. My pornography aided and abetted the demise of two marriages. I take full responsibility for the failure of both. Lots of people say there are two sides to every story. Not so.

During my third marriage I plunged into pornography head long. By this time VHS tape were cornering the porn market. I even teetered on the brink of producing porn VHS videos for resale on the black market. Porn was more sophisticated, more accessible, more raunchy and daring. My collection of porn videos and slick porn magazines was probably worth $500.

While I was up to my elbows in porn movies, mags and shops, I was learning to be a new father to our five month old daughter. I was teaching the high school Sunday school class, singing in the choir and participating in our church men’s group. I was doing all the things good “Christians” were supposed to do.

I was watching a football game on TV one Sunday afternoon after church and God spoke directly to me. He said, “Get rid of all your porn. Burn it.”

As soon as God spoke to me I gathered up my piles of porn mags and videos and carted them to the burn barrel we had in the back yard.

That afternoon I burned it all.

God supernaturally delivered me from my addiction to pornography.
With the advent of the Internet porn became even more graphic and perverse. It was easier to access and slicker to promote.
Over the next few years God began to show me who He was in my life.

As I grew in the Lord Satan’s tug on me to return to the evils of online porn grew stronger. And, at times I’ve given into the temptation to go back there.

God and I are working to make sure I am porn-free and never go back there again. I’ve been to websites that promised to help me and others repent and rid ourselves of those habits, but they don’t work. The only thing that has ever worked for me is to abide in Christ and take every thought captive to Christ.

No book, no website, no program, no course, no counseling will ever rid your life of pornography. Only Jesus can transform your mind and replace evil thoughts with His righteousness. It takes total surrendering of your life to Christ.

Steven Sawyer

12 thoughts on “Overcoming My Struggle with Pornography

  1. This is an amazing article. I too have gone through this for the most part of my life. I have quit going back too many times because every time I stop I say its the last time and before I know it I’m back in again. The devil has his sneaky ways of luring me back in. Even though I have tried too many times to stop, God has given me instruction on what to do to help me escape this captivity of pornography. First and foremost I am surrendering my all and all to Him and secondly I have made my roommate and best friend my witness so that I won’t return. He said that he’s willing to be there and that I can let him know when I’m feeling the temptation and will help me get out of it.
    This is how I know God is hearing my prayers because it was just last night that I spoke to my friend about this and asked him to put a block on any pornography sites and he happily agreed. (this is his computer and he is the administrator so only he can do that). Then today I find this article, so its definitely God’s reassuring answer that He is listening and wants to let me know that I’m not the only one who feels like the only one.
    Thank you so much Steven for having the courage to post this article. Only a real child of God can admit to things like this and in turn glorifies God for His hand of mercy.
    Be blessed.

    Leo Juarez

    1. Hey Leo, my brother. If you would like another accountability partner I am here. Know that I am praying alongside you in this. I give kuddos to your friends as there are not too many who are willing to be there.

  2. Thank you, Kerri. I’ll go to your site later today. We are still in the midst of dealing with the aftermath of a horrible family trauma and my time is not my own. I hope to be able to call you and share with you today or tomorrow.

    1. Thanks for sharing your story. I have wondered where you have been. Sorry that you are experiencing trauma and I will be praying for you and your family….. May the Peace of God that surpasses all understanding rest with you and your family today.. in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Why hello, friend! Thanks for sharing your comments. Should you have a question, please feel free to ask it here and I'll do my best to reply promptly. Thanks for stopping by! xo Kerri