The Day I Attempted Suicide


The Day I Attempted Suicide

“You are such a selfish person Kerri, truly pathetic, I don’t have time for this shit!”

That’s what my mother said to me the day I attempted suicide. She stood over me, yelling, as the paramedics carried me out of the house. I guess it didn’t occur to her that earlier that day, I was living on the edge, and what she referred to as “pathetic” was my attempt to wash away all the ruins tormenting my soul. The carnage left behind, continually mutilating my emotions from years of rape I’d suffered in her home. Rapes she was well aware of. Rapes she shamed me for when I stood before her in tears, at the tender age of four, begging for help.

Standing there yelling at me, she never once grasp the fact that my failure to take my own life placed me back on that edge and I was more than desperate to jump, like an animal trapped, eager to chew off their own limbs to set themselves free.

Having her as a mother, my birth had been my own death; death with my eyes wide open and I wanted to spare myself another day of a hollow, endless existence. I was broken, confused, tired, and alone. I wanted to end the pain, the inner torment, all that was gnawing at the core of my soul.

What she failed to see when she said, “I don’t have time for this shit!” was that, it wasn’t about her, it wasn’t about her at all > It was BECAUSE of her and the damage that was done to me had me blinded to everything else in life; everything but my own pain, which was a result of her own personal failures.

I wasn’t being selfish, it wasn’t that at all. I was in desperate need of help. I knew that. It was the same help that I begged her for as a toddler, all those years before. The same help that I feared asking others for because she blamed me and shamed me, secretly sweeping it all under the rug.

The day that I tried to kill myself, I didn’t see any other solution to my pain. My suicide attempt was an effort to help myself, to stop the abuse, to end my suffering. At the time, I simply didn’t see any other way out.

Today, each and every time my mother looks in the mirror, she needs to tell herself that while she never had time for me, calling me “selfish” and “truly pathetic”, as my soul and body lay dying, mangled from the pit of hell she had me caged in > that I’m alive, today, successful and thriving because I chose to be my own hero, the hero that still today, she doesn’t have in her heart to be.

Read more of Kerri’s Journal:
The Essence of a Little Girls Loneliness and Pain
Dear Rapist
My Mothers Legacy of Shame – An Open Letter – From Me, the Daughter She Didn’t Protect

14 thoughts on “The Day I Attempted Suicide

  1. You are not only your own hero, you are a hero to many! I see you now and it fills me with hope and joy that I can overcome those feelings myself. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story!

  2. Kerri, from
    Someone who has attempted to end problems with sucide twice and failed .. I could not be more proud of myself as a survivor and the struggle has made me stronger. Life is too short already and there are many experiences to have, do not end the life to end the pain .. Fight it and let it give you strength. People who are guilty will not realize their mistakes because they want to escape admitting the guilt

  3. Kerri, I didn’t realize at such a young age you went through this! This is so sad! If we knew how many little ones has went through something similar and is going through it now would boggle our minds! This may me want to just wrap my arms around each each and everyone and tell them they are loved and care about! It is good to have courts to take care of the abusers and loving homes who wants children badly to adopt!

    1. Yes, Mildred it is but the laws need to be more strict, the sentences more stern. There are too many child molesters (rapist) in society and not enough laws to protect the children.

  4. Kerri, I cannot imagine in my wildest dreams what your precious heart must have felt like hearing those words from the person who gave you birth. I find it difficult to even refer to her as your mother because “mother” to me means nurturing, selfless giving, willing to give your own life for your child, and so much more. I don’t know how you had the will — the driving force — the stamina to pull out of this except by the indwelling of what we call the spirit of God. You are a hero, Kerri. A beautiful, special hero who is speaking to many thousands who might be at the point where you were on that dark day — wanting to end their pain by ending their life. May you continue to use your voice to help others understand that healing is possible. There is help. There is a way out of this deep, dark, hellish pain. I’m so very glad that our paths have crossed. You are a special blessing — a very special blessing to countless people!

  5. Kerri, I am so sorry. Please let me be one of many voices telling you that your mother wasn’t really talking about you — she was talking about herself with those deadly words. From what I know of you from your writings, you are compassionate and hopeful and warm and witty and beautiful. I thank God that you failed in your attempt, because your life is making a positive difference to many.
    xo
    Catherine

  6. Dear Kerri,

    My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that you had to endure years of abuse. I am so glad that you are here today to tell your story. Keep going my dear dont let anyone ever bring your spirit down. You are so much more than what the people who said to you and did to you. Dont let them win ever. They were all too weak that is why they choose to hurt. You are strong you have chosen to heal and share your story with others. I wish you all the very best in your life. You give me hope to keep going xx

Why hello, friend! Thanks for sharing your comments. Should you have a question, please feel free to ask it here and I'll do my best to reply promptly. Thanks for stopping by! xo Kerri