The Doctor Prescribed Me Valiums Today

The Doctor Prescribed Me Valiums Today

The doctor prescribed me valiums today. He says I’m in a state of shock and the best thing for me to do is rest.

The attorney agreed with him and left his wife to attend to me as he talked with my husband in the other room.

I really liked her but couldn’t stop crying long enough to tell her how much she helped me. She inspired me but I don’t remember how.

I’m still crying. I don’t know what to do with all the pain. I’m tormented, tortured, taking blow after blow. It’s exhausting.

She is outside of me, my spirit, I see her resting on my shoulder. She is lost, looking for a way back in. She is suffocating in my sorrow; abandoned and displaced, along with my strength. They are searching, demanding that I get it together in all the confusion, but I just don’t know how. I am lost along with them.

Nothing makes sense. I remember Stacy calling. I remember leaving the salon. I remember 75 miles an hour. I don’t know how I got home. I don’t know how I lived through the drive. I don’t know how I’m living amongst the wreckage. I’m still trying to piece it all together.

I remember his cold words; fueled with heartless greed. They won’t stop repeating themselves in my head. They make it hard to breathe.

“He’s not here right now.”

“He’s not home, Kerri.”

“He’s dead Kerri, I found him this morning and I’ve cleaned his house out of anything worth anything”.

His exact words.

I don’t understand. I keep replaying it, like a movie stuck on repeat, over and over again in my mind. The phone call, the strange voice of my brother on the other end, the conversation, the knife in my back, the woman God chose as my mother, the pain in my daughter’s voice……..Why Why Why??? That’s all that I can think to ask myself.

Hope is also lost.

I needed to talk to my father. He would know what to do.

I started to choke on the pain. My airway severed under the wreckage of what he’d just said. I could only scream to catch a breath. I struggled then as I struggle now.

I really need to talk to my Dad.

My mind recalls more and more. I heard others in the background.

His razor-sharp tongue; like a dagger, piercing my heart, slowly yanking, methodically and willfully cutting me through the core as he speaks again, saying……..

“He’s dead Kerri. I don’t know what else to tell you”.

My tears are still present. I feel the devastation of the pain.

His wife yelled in the background, “Get off the phone with that fucking bitch, all she wants is money!” Her exact words; spoken from her heart. Words I gave no response to.

I imagine her saying them now, dressed in black, applying red lipstick to the smile on her face.

“I really need to talk to my father.” He comes to mind again and again. I said the words out loud to which my brother replied, “He’s dead Kerri, I found him this morning and I’ve cleaned his house out of anything worth anything”. His exact words, spoken from his heart.

My father would tell me to pray for them.

I won’t take the valiums; I will put my care in the hands of God. He will see to it that I rise above. He always has, He always does. He always will.

The Doctor Prescribed Me Valiums Today

From the personal journal of Kerri Bishop Reece written December 6, 2010
© Kerri Bishop Reece | Kerri Chronicles

16 thoughts on “The Doctor Prescribed Me Valiums Today

  1. I stumbled upon your blog because I am a Kerri too and we have to stick together. I’m in tears for you, through reading this post, for the trauma and the pain you’ve had to go through. But the pain you may continue to feel even as each new comment on this post brings it back, is touching the people you shared it with. Be well.

    1. Yes, we do have to stick together Kerri. Thank you so much for stopping by, reading and commenting on my post. I wish I could express in this box how much your comment means. Words – there are just not enough of them. Just know that I am finding peace in the middle of my struggles.

  2. My first response would be I know how you feel because I have lost both my parents and a younger brother. But that would be cold and even callous of me because I have no idea how you feel. We all have different emotions and react differently to them. All I can offer is to say I do wish you get through this without to much pain and suffering the best way you know how. I see what you mean when you stated earlier about your Fathers stuff all being gone.

    1. So sorry to hear about the loss of your parents and your brother. I wish you all the best in your healing. Life is tragic at times but also precious in the way we embrace it and find happiness. Thank you reading this post and for your comment. It is very comforting to me.

  3. People show their true colours during times of bereavement, often they are ugly colours. I was blessed when my brother recently died, everybody was wonderful. 🙂

    1. Thank you for this comment, Snufflylovely, for taking the time to read my post and for the comforting hug. What a beautiful person you are. I’m still sorting out my hurt but not feeling sorry for myself. It is what it is and I put everything in God’s hands but I will say that what stands in my mind the most was how hard I prayed the day we laid my father to rest. A lot of things are a fog because it was such a traumatic experience but I remember sitting in the car and explaining to God that I wasn’t strong enough to be the Godly woman that he expected me to be, I was truly an emotional mess and I really needed him to take control of my entire being so that I could set an example…. it was just more important to me than lashing out, being angry. In His amazing way, he comforted me that day, gave me the strength and changed the lives of many when he filled my heart with the words I needed, carried me to the front of the room and gave me the strength and composure I needed to speak what he laid on my heart. I really don’t know where it all came from or how He always does it but what I do know is that those words honored the best of my father, set an example in the finest form and laid out a life lesson that is still being talked about today. God is better than good, better than I can put into words and I am honored to have Him on my side.

  4. Oh dear! Speechless…. God comforts us in all our hurt though so we may be a comfort to others who are hurting… You went through it and still stood strong, thank you. God is so going to use you to heal others hurt in this manner by the very same people who were meant to be shields to/for them. God bless your heart…

  5. I realize that I don’t know you except for this blog, but even still I know you’re a good person, and I’m so sorry that you ever had to go through stuff like this. It’s no way for family to talk to family, I can’t even imagine, especially when you’re already hurting. You’re a very strong person and a good person. Some people are lucky enough and wise enough to be close to God, and I think you are.

    1. What a beautiful thing for you say. Thank you so much for your kind words, I am truly touched by them. Counting our blessings is a must and I am blessed even by those in my family that have caused me the most pain because had I not experienced the hurt, I wouldn’t love and live as I do today. God is very good and gave another blessing having crossed our paths.

      1. Yes, I agree. Every hurdle placed in your path is just there to make you stronger. And I’m glad he did too. Your faith is always inspiring to me.

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