Why don’t you see my reactions? Why don’t you recognize that I don’t want to hear it when you say I look beautiful? Stop being so f@#%ing nice! Stop buying things for me. I can’t stand it anymore! I want to run faster. I want to run farther. I want to push you into the ground harder, slam you against a brick wall. I want you to stop loving me. I want to feed you to the wolves!
Why are you so nice to me? Why? You must want something. Is it my body? Is it my soul? You won’t claim me! You will never claim me! I will never let that happen! I won’t tell you that I love you even when you’re begging me to say it.
I won’t tell you about the butterflies, the beautiful butterflies dancing on my spirit. I won’t reveal them to you as you lay there professing your love. I’ll never say how I feel about you. I will never give you that kind of power, the power to crush me. Never!
Why won’t you just leave already? Are you waiting for me to change? Are you waiting for me to open up? I’m not going to do that. I won’t. I don’t know how to be open. I know how to hide behind locks and keys – behind the doors of my fortress of walls – my castle where I will always be queen. I know what to say to placate you – to distract you from asking the right questions. I know how to make you leave, how to make you hate me. You won’t get past my walls! I will feed you to the crocodiles.
My heart may leap for you but I’ll never tell. I’ll turn down each gesture and when you fish for compliments, I’ll twirl around answering so I don’t have to expose myself, and I can hurt you at the same time. I’ll tell myself you’re not here for me until I believe it enough to leave. I’ll push and pull at all our bare threads until all of our fabric unravels.
And I’ll leave you broken, so you can be like me. Maybe then you’ll understand why I had to do it all for our own good.